73
The last 14 of these quotes were taken from the "fortunes" present
in the fortune program in the BSD games set of Slackware

Life is an approximation to Reality -- Myself

The legendary runner Paavo Nurmi won nine Olympic golds in running. In
his last Olympics, he was not allowed to run in an event and a
team-mate was entered in the event. Irked, Nurmi ran the same race in
another stadium and his time was 42 seconds lesser than the official
winner's time. By the way, the official winner was Nurmi's team-mate.

                  Newsweek, Aug (don't remember date), 1996

Volume in drive C: TOO LOUD

Java : the worst language since C - Tom Christiansen @ www.perl.com

"At the outset I would like to share a maxim with you: When I first
saw an IBM computer, what I thought was `Never trust a computer
that you can't lift off the ground.' Obviously I can talk,
but now I would like to hear you people. And it is with great
pride that I introduce to you a person who has been almost like
a father to me -- Steven Jobs."

                            Apple Macintosh
                            at unveiling

Netscape Communications as anagram: Mosiac minus neat concept

It is data which make the world goes round, not code, not gravity -- Anon

Java = C++-;

Did you know that MS Internet Explorer (C) (R) (TM) says it is
Netscape using the codename of Netscape, Mozilla when talking to
HTTP servers?

Windows 95 = Mac 84 (Hurrah to DOS)

"I was fortunate to have a had the opportunity to be a part of
Wordperfect Corp.'s incredible success story, and except for the
ending, my time there was perfect" -- Pete Peterson, former
exec vice president of WP.

Everyone roots for the underdog and bets on the favourite

He reports to no one and no one reports to him  -- Scott McNealy,
CEO of Sun Microsystems, talking about Bill Joy, the VP of R&D.

FORTRAN -- made@IBM, SQL -- made@IBM, RISC -- made@IBM, PC -- made@IBM ...
Solutions for a small planet

An etymological suggestion made long ago is that the term Unix is a
pun on eunuchs, Unix being castrated Multics.

The worst abbreviation is not PCMCIA (Personal Computer Memory Card
International Association), it is VHDL ( VLSI (Very Large Scale Integation)
Hardware Description Language) (IMHO)

Did you know? Sun in Sun Miscrosystems originally stood for Stanford
University Net. The usage was discontinued in few months

Apple has approx 7%% of the PC market. But Macs generate 20%% of
the Web hits.

Did you know? Phillipe Kahn didn't *write* Turbo Pascal.

History: BYTE gave a full-page colour ad for Turbo Pascal on credit.

The original WordStar was ported from CP/M to DOS by translating the
asm instructions line-by-line from the original processor to the 8088.

Lisa, the predecessor to the Macintosh was named after Steve Jobs'
daughter.

There's no problem so large it can't be solved by killing the user
off,deleting their files, closing their acount and reporting their
REAL earnings to the IRS.

Pentium Processor anagrams

Tropic menus poser
Spurns motor peice
Sooner stump price

Bill Gates anagrams

Set all big
Begs it all
Beast gill
Legal bits

Microsoft Corporation anagrams

Scorpion comfort ratio
Corrosion format topic
Composition for carrot
Anisotropic or comfort
Prostration comic roof
Motorcars foci portion

Kandr mail anagrams

Drank mail
Alarm kind
Drama link
Milk ran ad

Microsoft WindowsNT

Cotton widows firms
Motion crowds swift
Confirm twist woods
Discomfort owns wit
Distinct worms woof
Conforms widows tit
Discomfort wits now

VSNL Internet Access

Invent stress cancel
Scents invert lances
Scents ravens client
Cleans invent crests
Scanner client vests
Invest cancels rents

VSNL Internet Access

Inverts scents clean
Clients craven nests
Clients nerves scant
Cancel inserts vents
Sternness evict clan

VSNL Internet Access

Encircles vents ants
Ventricle scans nest
Cleverest scant inns
Strictness even clan
Sincerest vents clan

"What does it do?" she asks. "It's a computer," he replies.
"Yes, dear, but what does it do?". "It ..er.. computes! It's a computer."
"What does it compute?"
"What? Er? Um. Numbers! Yes, numbers!" He smiles worriedly.
"Why?"
"Why? Well ..um.. why?" He starts to sweat.
"I mean, is it just something to dust around, or does it actually
do something useful?"
"Um...you can call other computers with it!" Hope lights up his eyes.
"So you can get programs from other computers!"
"I see. Tell me, what do these programs do?"
"Do? I don't think I fol..."
"I see. They compute. Numbers. For no particular reason." He withers
under her gaze.
"Yes, but..."
She smiles, and he trails off, defeated. She takes another look at the thing.
"Although," she says, with a strange look in her eyes. He looks up, an insane
look of hope on his face. "Does it come in pink?" she asks.

- Grant Smith, Tue 27 July, 1993 9:35 pm.
(we got this from some tutorial on the Net) (Women's libbers out there,
*we* didn't make this joke. Grant did)

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
This is a pangram.
It contains all the letters from a to z.

The stuff we call "software" is not like anything that human society
is used to thinking about.  Software is something like a machine,
and something like mathematics, and something like language, and
something like thought, and art, and information....
but software is not in fact any of those other things. The protean
quality of software is one of the great sources of its
fascination.  It also makes software very powerful, very
subtle, very unpredictable, and very risky.

                          -- From The Hacker Crackdown

The modern telephone system has come to depend, utterly and irretrievably,
upon software.  And the System Crash of January 15, 1990, (in the USA)
was caused by an *improvement* in software.  Or rather, an *attempted*
improvement.

As it happened, the problem itself -- the problem perse  --  took this form.
A piece of telco software had been written in C language, a standard language
of the telco field. Within the C software was a long "do... while" construct.
The "do... while" construct contained a "switch" statement.  The "switch"
statement contained an "if" clause.  The "if" clause contained a "break."
The "break" was *supposed* to "break" the "if clause."  Instead, the
"break" broke the "switch" statement.

That was the problem, the actual reason why people picking up phones on
January 15, 1990, could not talk to one another.

                          -- From The Hacker Crackdown

I do not like people calling it a bomb. It is device which explodes.

          French foreign minister on his countries recent nuclear tests.

What is common between Steve Jobs, Phillipe Kahn, Mitch Kapor,
Vinod Khosla, Jim Manzi and Maurice Saachi?

They were all forced out of companies they helped found.

"This `telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered
as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us."
                        -- WESTERN UNION internal memo, 1876
                           (courtesy Time International)

"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible"
                        -- LORD KELVIN, president Royal Society, 1895

"Everything than can be invented has been invented.""
                        -- Charles H. Duell, commissioner,
                           US Office of Patents, 1899

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value."
                        -- Marshall Ferdinand Foch, professor of strategy,
                           Ecole Suprieure de Guerre

"Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction
and the need to have something better than vaccum against which to react.
He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out in daily schools."
                        -- New Yor Times editorial about Robert Goddard's
                           revolutionary rocket work 1921

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would
pay for a message sent to nobody in particular."
                        -- David Sarnoff's associates, in response to his
                           urgings for investment in radio in the 1920s

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk."
                        -- Harry M. Warner, Warner Bros., 1927

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
                        -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943

"There is no reason for any individuals to have a computer in their home."
                        -- Ken Olsen, president, chairman and founder of
                           Digital Equipment Corp., 1977

"I want my child to be a good Catholic like me."
                        -- Pop star Madonna

"OK, we can write your BASIC in three weeks."

             -- Bill Gates to an Intel representative when they approached
                Microsoft for a BASIC for their 8086 chip. Microsoft ended
                up taking 6 months.
                (courtesy The Making of Microsoft)

... On one occasion, one of their programmers watched a demonstration
given by Bruce [Bastian, Chairman of the board of then Wordperfect Corp.]
at our COMDEX booth. He interrupted Bruce, telling him that some of
the things he was demonstrating were impossible. It took real arrogance for
that programmer to dispute something that he could see with his own eyes,
and it was this kind of arrogance that showed in Microsoft's products.

   --- Peter Peterson, former VP, Wordperfect Corp.
in "AlmostPerfect -- How a Bunch of Regular Guys Built WordPerfect Corp."

Did you know? Wordperfect was the last choice after all the other
proposed names were found to have been already trademarked. It was
suggested by Pete Peterson, VP, and everyone else opposed it.

The originally chosen name was Oak. The name "Java" was chosen after
it was realized that there was already another language called Oak.

Anything that a teacher can learn, a student can easily.

Robert Hamming, top gun in error correcting codes

The file where the dialing directory is stored is TEST.DIR in
Cyclone (!!!!) :-))))

(ha, ha) though we finished testing long ago ....

"I am God."
                                  -- David Koresh

A wisecrack at Apple has it that their inhouse supercomputer is so fast
that it completes an infinite loop in six seconds.

.  ...  ..-+++=x##@@@###@@@xxx=+++++++------.........                       
.   .   ..--+=x##@@@@@@@@@@@#xxx====++++++--------.....                     
.        ..-+=##@@@@@@@@@@@###xxxx====++++++-----........                   
.        ..+x#@@@@@@@@@@@@@###xxx=====+++++---......                        
.         .-==x#xx==++++++====++++-----..-.   .-..-.                        
..   +.      ..     ...    -                                     ..         
.... .                                                           ..         
....  ..                         .---.                          ...         
...   .+.     .      .     .  ...-xx=+..... .                ......         
      .x+-.           . ........+@@#x=-....  .          ...........         
     ..+x#x-.       ...........+@@@#x=++-... ......--------........         
 ......-x##x=x++---..........-+#@@@#x==++++----++++===+++--........         
...    +x##x+=######xx=++--+#@#@@@@#xx==++++++--+++++++++--..   .           
       .-+--.+xx###xx=++---=xxxxxx====+---++++++---++++++--..               
       .. .  .+=====+-----+=xx=----------+++++++----++++---.                
     .......  .+++++------=xxxxx=++++++++++++++++--++++----.                
    .......    -++++------=========+++++++--------++++----.                 
     . ..     -+-+++++++++=++-+-++++++==+=-+--+++++++----.                  
     ..      .--..----++==x==xx======+==++++++++++++----..                  
     .      .---..-.---++====++=========++--++++++----...                   
           ..-+-.-..--.--++==+++-----------+++++----.....                   
          ..--++.-...---.-++++++++++++++++++++++--......                  ..
          ..-+++.+...-------+++=======++++++++---.......   .         .     .
(courtesy Jiffy script inc)

An official at Apple joked that Microsoft was smart enough not to take
over Apple, since they didn't want to pay for their R&D

A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
by Mark Twain

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
be part of the alphabet.  The only kase in which "c" would be retained
would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.  Year 2
might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.

Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.

Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.

Take the folks at Coca-Cola.  For many years, they were content to sit
back and make the same old carbonated beverage.  It was a good
beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up
drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a
nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves
and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!"  So
Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw
no need to improve ...
                -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve.
Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be
strengthened.  Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum.
Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check
and dying broke.
                -- Stanley Walker

A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new
game.  Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the
pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly
along it at the water's edge.  Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their
heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn
around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite
direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.  Then, the
paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it.  Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
                -- Audobon Society Magazine

... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
                -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"

But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who
was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal
education and lived in New Jersey.  Edison's first major invention in
1877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of
American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was
invented.  But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he
invented the electric company.  Edison's design was a brilliant
adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends
electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the
electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant
part) sends it right back to the customer again.

This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch
of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since
very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely.
In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United
States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it
ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate
increases.
                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?

SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
the country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
I have no idea why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind
of chemical pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to
do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of
ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we
need is jobs, not empty promises.  I realize I'm risking my political
career be being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but
that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
can't help it.
                -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"

Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky):
        No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this
State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed
with a club.  The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females
weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it
apply to female horses.

Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
overwhelming majority of the crowd present.  Abusive and obscene
language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
                -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
                   Assoc.

"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the
usual way.  This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody
thinks of complaining."
                -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal

This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of
the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time.  Many
solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were
largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper,
which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of
paper that were unhappy.
                -- Douglas Adams

Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical
lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach
your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings.
Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in
pain?  This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force,
but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an
important electrical lesson.

It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works.  When you scuffed
your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small
objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will
attract dirt.  The electrons travel through your bloodstream and
collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your
friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the
carpet, thus completing the circuit.

Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without
touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your
finger would explode!  But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
                -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"

Loose bits sink chips
(This is a play on the famous World War II slogan against rumour
mongering which said "Loose lips sink ships", and dramitized it with a
picture of a half-sunk warship)

The student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not
desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
                -- Woody Allen

